Fine, Again

I have had an eventful couple of weeks. Everything (pretty much) under the sun has happened to me, from making friends at my job, to coming into an unexpected windfall of money. But lately I have had problems with my anxiety and panic attacks, and more recently (like last night recently) my stress vomiting has flared back up. I haven't had issues with it since I moved in August. Yuck.

Friday I went to a party for one of the improv troupe members. (Happy 21st, Eddy!) Of course there was alcohol. One of the party guests drank a little too much and got sick. I bolted for the door. It was as if my only thought was to get out of there as soon as possible, so I didn't ride home with Ethan. I walked home, even though it was a gloomy, rainy night and I really didn't know my way back to the school. I was embarrassed, but I made it through my panic attacks that night (barely). I didn't want to tell anyone what happened, because I might get laughed at. But I recovered.

Then yesterday (Monday) I went to work and some random guy in my line for the grill decides even though he's sick, it's a perfect time to try and eat. So when he gets in my line, he throws up. Right in front of me. I went into full-on panic mode and ran to the other side of the kitchen. In front of all my co-workers. I'm shaking and trying to remain calm.I can't hear what people are trying to tell me; I can't pick up food without shaking. Eventually my co-workers clean up the mess without batting an eye, and the guy just disappears. Not sure where he went. But I apologize to one of the cook managers for running across the kitchen. She just shrugs and tells me it's okay. But I was humiliated. I go to improv practice, barely making it, and go home and have a panic attack. Complete with stress vomiting. Awesome.

I'm tired of my anxiety. I'm tired of my emetophobia (fear of vomiting). I'm ready to not be anxious for no reason and I'm tired of embarrassing myself. My mom was emetophobic, but she didn't get over it until she had me. (She's still not completely over it.) I just don't know what to do. What if I do decide to have kids one day? How am I supposed to take proper care of my children if I can't handle it when they're sick? What if my boyfriend gets sick? Who's supposed to take care of him then? I am making a point to try and treat my emetophobia, starting now.:) I'm determined. Things will get better.

(P.S. Only 10 more days until I go back to East Texas with my family!)=)

Love, Ty:)